I forgo luxuries like food and heat to scrimp enough money to send in my Manuscript for inspection. No, actually, I lend most of the money off ‘Im indoors'. I send it off, arrogantly knowing that the first line of the report will not read ‘rubbish, triffle, call yourself a writer?’

At this stage I’m looking for an in depth report on WHY NO ONE WILL F****** PUBLISH ME. Or just a few little pointers in the right direction.